Love Makes No Demands

We all are familiar with the quest to find love in our lives. Many of us have memories of experiences of very intense love, as well as the intense absence of it. For the most part, all of us in some way or on some level seek to experience more love in our lives.

The Bible scripture passage 1 Corinthians 13 is one of the most famously quoted and therefore familiar to many. In verse 5, it states that love “...does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” The statement, “it is not self seeking,” speaks volumes to me and explains in part my many experiences of lovelessness.

Clearly the love spoken of here is unconditional. To be honest, the love I’ve been seeking has been far short of unconditional. I realize that in all of my relationships there are some levels of demands and expectations that I set before I’m willing to give my love to others. In my mind I think,”you must be faithful to me; you must not hurt me; you must not leave me;” and so on.

Not only do these thoughts jeopardize my relationships by making demands on love, my demands on love create barriers that keep the very love I seek beyond my reach.

If I seek to experience more love in my life, I must be willing to give it unconditionally. As the universe abhors a vacuum, the space I create in my heart by giving it unconditionally attracts the same gift of love back to me, filling that space in my heart. This is the principle that giving and receiving are one energy flow, which is activated by the “giving.”

While learning to love unconditionally is a tall order, we know that from the most sacred of teaching that this is what we are called to do. It is only through unconditional love that we can come to recognize and fully embrace the divine within ourselves and the people around us.

And so today, I intend to give my love with no demands. When I vaulter, I will not punish myself, instead I will recall my attention and try again. The more I practice giving love without demands, the more love I will experience in my life.

Accepting People Where They Are

I volunteer with a local non-profit dedicated to ending homelessness in the DC Metro area. This organization has been extremely successful at transforming people’s lives, and now they have begun working to help families before they lose their homes. I was so moved by this, I asked the CEO what was the secret to the organization’s success. He said they always begin by accepting people where they are. This allows them to build trust and work together to resolve the immediate need of getting them off the streets and into a safe, supportive environment.

While this sounds like a simple concept, it can be difficult to practice, both within our social support structures and in our individual relationships. For example, not having an address as a homeless person makes access to some programs impossible. Similarly, when a friend or a loved one is in trouble, we often want them to change their “behavior” before we are willing to help them. We may mean well, and our intentions may be good, but are good intensions enough to transform the life experience?

Here are a few things to consider. To start, I remind myself not to try to help someone unless they ask for it. Sometimes I make assumptions about others based on my life experience that are false. Next, trust is essential for people to work together. How do I build trust with a person desperately in need of help by saying “you are not good enough”, or “I’ll help you once you change?” This is what placing conditions as terms for help does. It’s a form of judgment, and judgment fosters resistance; only acceptance builds trust. As for our “good intensions” behind the “terms,” this response is more likely our own need to feel better about the situation. “I’ll help you if you stop using drugs,” for example, has little to do with the addict.

Deepak Chopra noted that everyone’s path is perfect, for them. I agree. Many spiritual teachings are based on the principle of oneness that is shared by all, beyond any differences perceived in form; and this oneness is sacred. If I believe then, that: we are all connected; we are one in spirit; or that I honor the divine light in others, I demonstrate this principle by accepting my brothers and sisters, honoring them in every step along their life path. By genuinely sharing my blessings with those who seek assistance, I help to transform the life experience for everyone.

Love Is My Decision Today

One of the many lessons I have learned on this life journey that eventually I find whatever I am looking for. If I look for all that is wrong in the world, I will find that. If I look for my sister’s mistakes or even my own, I will definitely find them, too. Would not the same hold true for me then, if I chose instead to look for Love? By Love with a capital "L," I refer to that which is unconditional, unrestricted and unlimited; it is the Love that honors the connection between and the highest good within each and every one of us. Is it possible, then, that part of the reason for much of the suffering and negativity I see is that I am conditioned to look for it? Could it be that there is much more good at work in the world around me than I am allowing myself to see?

And so today I affirm my commitment to look for Love in every situation and in every interaction with others. I know there will be times when this is challenging; all that matters is that I remind myself and try again. Today I choose to see the good in others, instead of their mistakes. Today, instead of sadness and despair, Love is my decision.

“Beyond every form is Love. If I look for Love I will find Love. I give thanks that this is the truth.”

Hal Tipper, © 2003, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org

Giving and Receiving

Recently when reading from the book "A Course In Miracles," the first two sentences of Workbook Less 159 really stuck with me:

"No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession."  Schucman, Dr. Helen. A Course in Miracles (p. 982). Foundation for Inner Peace. Kindle Edition.  

It occurred to me that this explains why giving love, compassion and forgiveness to others is so important in our daily lives. If I cannot give something I do not have, how would ever I increase the love, joy and peace that I desire in my life? It seems I would have to receive it first. When I think about it, receiving these very gifts from others is how I actually learned to value them. The truth is that from the moment I was born, the people around me began caring for and nurturing me. There have been hundreds of them throughout my life. How could I have become the person I am today without them?

An article posted at The Chopra Center describes the universal law of giving and receiving:

"The universe operates through dynamic exchange . . . giving and receiving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives."
"Spirituality, The Law of the Day" The Chopra Center

This is a powerful concept. Simply stated, I receive that which I give. If we all chose to respond with anger or vengeance when we feel hurt or attacked, how would we ever bring the painful cycle of attack and suffering to an end? On the other hand, when I respond to others from love, compassion and forgiveness, I increase these gifts in my own life. Clearly this is what Jesus was trying to teach us. While we each have very unique individual life experiences, we are all interconnected through the gifts we give to (or hold back from) one another.

That said, learning to resist the urge to respond with anger to others requires a great deal of effort. I must learn to be aware of my thoughts and feelings before I respond to others. Practicing self-awareness will give me the space I need to choose to respond differently - from love, compassion and forgiveness instead of anger, hatred and revenge. When I realize I have hurt others, love, compassion and forgiveness are what I want for myself. Knowing now that I must share with others the very gifts I seek, I desire to give love, compassion and forgiveness to the people around me.  When I give love, love returns to me, and I contribute to the transformation of my own life experience and the lives of others.